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Rather Good Essay Originally
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improvement made to the essay.
Unedited Version (the "Before")
Question: Describe the qualities and accomplishments you would bring to the undergraduate students body at the University of California
I came to america to learn, study and understand the multycultural society of states. Although it was difficult for me to leave the familly behind at highschool age i came first to Canada where i learned french language very well and i graduated a frech high school there , then i moved to southern California , where i entered Orange Coast College,which although i had to work and study, i tried my best to go to a field which i feel would be in the future not only in terms of job and uportunities but also business in future will be more on global and international level which creates an atmosphere of friendship and direct relationship between different nations and make wold become smaller and friendly. Learning business in an international wellknown institution in USA which is now leader in technology and related business makes me more prepared to get to my goal which is friendship and relationship between different countries with different cultures by creating international business and enlarging it all over the world. My father was a phd graduate from U.C.Berkley in 1973 in Engineering which was the same thing those days to develop underdeveloped countries such as Iran and since then by stablishing a U.S. style Engineering and construction company called "Tehran Berkley" in 1974 in Tehran , he has now helped that nation verymuch and executed over 300 large seale development projects such as dams , airports, oil & gas instalations , highways & tunnels , industrial complexes etc. I think in future leadership of such companies as my father's,that through difficult times of revolution , recession and ditrust between nations stood and kept its flag and name "Tehran Berkley" strongly as a sign of friendship between nation with different culture and now moves toward business relationship with other nations including United States. These companies such as my fathers need managers in business & international business and law to lead them to make this companys more effective in the next decades, bringing in friendship , understanding of different culture s & overall development in the world . I am devoted to go through this path , and i'm sure i can be successfull.
Edited Version (the "After")
Critique
Your essay holds the outline of a good work, but contains widespread grammatical
and stylistic errors. In the future, you must maintain proper spelling
and grammar, for any admissions board will have reservations about an
applicant that has problems with these two areas. We therefore made significant
and thorough alterations, bringing to it the elegance and sophistication
that will make you stand out from other applicants.
Our efforts focused on eliminating any grammatical or stylistic errors that detract from the flow of the essay. We broadened the vocabulary and made many changes to diction. We eliminated passive voice wherever feasible. Awkward sentences were rewritten more smoothly to aid the continuous flow of the essay. We also varied your sentence structure to keep the reader interested in the writing. We endeavored, however, to maintain the emotional power that filled your initial essay.
We also added two extra paragraphs to the essay that did not previously exist, in order to better shape your thoughts, incorporate your interests, and attach a conclusion to the work.
Mostly, we tried to add more impact to your words by "cleaning up" your writing style. The manner in which thoughts are expressed is quite as important as the actual ideas, and can make the difference between a mediocre essay and a superior one.
Please bear in mind that we have a bias to change things rather than to leave them the same. You should read the revised essay carefully and choose the changes that best suit you. Best of luck in your applications process,
Edited Essay
I came to America as a young girl to learn, study, and understand the diverse, multicultural society of the United States. It was very difficult for me to leave my family behind, for I was only of high-school age, but I realized the need to expand my boundaries and grasp new opportunities.
I went to Canada first, where I graduated from a French-speaking high school, learning that language quite well in the process. I then moved to southern California and entered Orange Coast College. Although I had to divide my attention between school and work, I tried to focus my efforts on paving a clear future for myself. I therefore sought a field that would open many doors in the years to come, both in terms of job opportunities and the growing need to acknowledge the global aspect of business relations. Learning about the business world in an internationally known, academically superior institution in the United States has prepared me to achieve my goal, which is to foster friendly relationships between different countries by creating intercultural enterprises throughout the globe.
I feel proud to follow in the example of my father, who earned a Ph.D. in Engineering from U.C. Berkeley in 1973 and then turned his efforts toward the realm of international business. In 1974, he established a U.S.-style engineering and construction company called Tehran Berkeley in Tehran, Iran. His company's efforts contributed greatly to Iran's development, executing over 300 large-scale projects such as building dams, airports, oil and gas installations, highways, tunnels, industrial complexes, etc.
Through the tumultuous years of Iran's revolution, recession, and international paranoia, Tehran Berkeley kept its flag flying, proudly proclaiming the good that friendship between nations can bring. I remember contemplating the tremendous statement that my father's company made, wishing that I could help him in that noble effort. Companies such as my father's need managers that are professionally trained in international business and law to lead them into the future, enabling them to make their corporations more effective in the decades to come. The friendship and cultural understanding that they represent are valuable issues that must be preserved. I wish to devote myself to this path, and know that I have the determination and multicultural background to bring positive growth to these businesses.
I feel that my past efforts have prepared me to enter the University of California and carve out this future for myself. In an effort to understand the many aspects of business, I have taken a plethora of courses from a variety of subjects, including high-level science and math classes. These courses have granted me a broadened sense of the technological issues that accompany many types of business, especially the corporations that I chose to focus upon. I have also devoted much of my time to part-time employment during college, both because of financial needs and because of the many insights they have granted me into the vital world of customer relations.
But my efforts have not focused entirely on work and study. I feel a distinct pleasure in being part of a multicultural society in the United States, and have attempted to forge friendships with people from different racial and socioeconomic backgrounds. I find myself quite enriched by the process, for I can now appreciate others better, and allow myself to trust them with less reservation. This increased sense of community has allowed me to foster a sense of teamwork, and I take much pleasure in group-oriented sports. I love soccer, hockey, and water polo, for they allow me to interact with others toward a healthy and positive goal. I also deeply value music, and have spent many years developing guitar skills, reveling in the sense of peace and fulfillment that this musical expression grants me. Many of my friends laugh and ask me where I find the time to pursue so many activities along with my studies and employment, but I would not abandon a single one. In my opinion, success rests upon the ability to push oneself to her highest level, and I refuse to give less than one hundred percent of my effort to anything, be it class work or simple sports.
I look forward to the coming years with much anticipation, for I know that they will bring the realization of my dreams. I deeply value the life lessons I have learned from my friendships, my jobs, and my extracurricular activities, and am eager to apply this toward the academic lessons I will learn in the classroom. I feel that the University of California is ideal for my needs. Its diverse student body, educational excellence, and expert instructors will allow me to fully develop the skills that I need in order to excel. I will be honored to find a place among the scholars and future leaders that fill your institution.
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